A Toddler, sibling rivalry and my ear

Usually I am a pretty affectionate, physical person with the people that I care about.  I am careful about who I hug as I know that some people are not as physical and that is ok.  The last little while, I have been feeling clausttophobic.  Miss Pumpkin has been marking her territory (namely my lap and ear) in order to teach her younger sister Miss Heddy the natural pecking order of our house.  This is fine, except that Miss Heddy HAS to be in my arms/lap as I am breastfeeding and she, like the rest of her family, likes food.  The result – one baby on the nipple and a toddler on my ear.  I can’t tell the one on the nipple to scram which means the toddler has been hearing it.  This of course, has meant that Miss Pumpkin is even more insistent that she needs to be in my lap AND holding my ear AND of course dancing, singing or whatever activity in which she is presently engaged.  In fact, Miss Pumpkin has been asking for my ear A LOT and at the oddest of times; putting her in her carseat for example.  I am sure that you can understand why my ear would be unavailable to her while I drove – she,however, did not.

The ear pulling has been Miss Pumpkin’s thing since she could grab on to it.  As far as I can understand, the ear pulling provides her comfort and stability.  It as though she needs a physical connection to a person who loves her.  This is fine and usually I am ok with it, except that I have been feeling the need for more physical space.  This, combined with my being dsistracted with the unexpected death of Ryan’s grandma,a trip to Thunder Bay and before that simply adjusting to life with two children under 3, meant that I didn’t pick up her signals.  I think Miss Pumpking is feeling overwhelmed and when she has reached out to the person who is supposed to be her stable place, me, she has been getting told “not now, no, later, stop…”  Hmmm, I wonder why her behaviour has been so out of control lately.  This morning she actually hit me.  That was enough to make me stop and reflect.

Now, I did not cause her to hit me, she chose to hit me but I did teach her being physical with someone is an ok way to get them to do what you want.  You see, along with the pushing her away, there have been a number of times that I have grabbed on to her and tried to force her to look at me, or get off the floor etc…  Each time, I have felt uncomfortable but instead of stopping and checking in with myself I have continued.  It never ends well, in fact it never has really ended.  We have just moved from one crisis to the next (exacerbated by a lack of sleep for all of us).  My frustration with the last interaction, simmers inside,  ready to burble up at the slightest provocation; while my mantra has become “bad mum, bad mum.”  I haven’t been very loving or forgiving with myself, even though I know I can’t be truly gentle or loving with others if I am not being gentle with me.  Meanwhile, Miss Pumpkin has become frustrated as I haven’t been listening to her.  She has been reaching out for comfort and too often has been rebuffed.  (She has also been asking to watch TV more.  Is there a connection?)

This family has been on a roller coaster ride for 8 months.  We spent every day for almost a month with dad in the hospital/hospice, been at 2 graveside ceremonies, I went on bed rest, added Miss Heddy to our family, hosted grandma and grandda’, Ryan went back to work after being off for summer, flew to Thunder Bay and stayed at grandma and grandda’s not child friendly house and met a bunch of new people. I have been feeling overwhelmed and off centred, no wonder the 2 year old might be feeling the need for stability.

I can’t change life but I can change how I deal with it and therefore how my family deals with it.  I have been impatient with myself that I am not more patient, in the moment and loving and the result is that I haven’t been the parent/person I want to be.

So here I am.  Ready to listen to what I am feeling, ready to hear what my family is saying and doing so with mindfulness and love.

Still here, just quiet.

It is hard to believe that it has been 5 months since I have actually posted.  I have spent a lot of time on the internet, reading, searching, questioning and at times writing blog entries that are never completed or are deleted upon completion.  It is not as though I haven’t been busy.  I have a 3 month old who fills my arms most of the time and a 2 1/2 year old who fills them the other times and with full arms I have been busy with living and everything that that has meant.  I have been grieving – letting myself live within it, allowing myself to do what I need to do in order to become whole.  I have been creating – knitting scarves and blankets and sweaters; sewing dolls and quilts and clothes; cooking, baking and canning.  I have been learning – new ways of thinking about myself, the world and my place within it.  I have been searching – looking to find my way on what has become a spiritual journey of motherhood. This has all meant much messiness with tears and laughter.

One lesson I have relearned is to trust in myself that if I am open to the world and myself I will be given what I need.

I felt guilty about going to Galiano in June, I was being self-indulgent and could grieve and do what I needed to do just as well at home.  All of May and June until I left, I fought with myself to go or not to go.  I would cry, my body would tense qnd I couldn’t sleep when I had decided to not go away.  As soon as I changed my mind, my back would straighten, my lungs would open and I felt easy in the world.  I knew that I had to be near the ocean and trees.  I knew I had to be alone.  I thought I needed to grieve for my dad.  I went and it was wonderful.  Yet, I came back not dissatisfied per se but as though I had missed something.  At the time, I thought it was the fact that I hadn’t cried, that I hadn’t done the grief work I was supposed to have done.

Talking about it with Donna last week, I mentioned my dissatisfaction.  She asked me what did happen that weekend.  I told her about the books that I had found.  One called  Mother-Mysteries that was about the author’s spiritual journey with motherhood and Balance Point another book about a spiritual journey this time one with the environment as the focal point.  It was also here that I began to feel the pain and cramping that would result in my being put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.  As I walked and read and sat my hand would rest on my belly, connecting to the little one who lay inside.  Donna laughed as I relayed my story.  “Maybe”, she said, “you didn’t need to grieve, maybe you needed to reconnect with the baby you were carrying inside.  Maybe, that was why the world offered you the books and your body sent you the pain.”

With those two sentences and observations it all began to make sense.  The world has been sending me what I have needed to guide my mind on this new phase of my life and while I have been dutifully taking it in, I haven’t been engaging with it.  My body keeps telling me that it needs to be centered and to be reconnected with my mind and heart, thus the compelling need throughout my pregnancy (even before dad died) and after to practice yoga again. I was on a new chapter before dad’s death.  My grief has become part of the story but it is only one strand.

based withinit