Waking up to ‘Gang Wars’

I listen to CBC. It is almost always on in the car and it is what I wake up to in the morning and usually listen to as I go to sleep at night. The past couple of months, I have rolled over in the morning and as I doze in and out of sleep have been aware of a nagging sense of dissatisfaction and disengagement from the The Early Edition. I can’t stand the political panel with most of my venom directed to Erin Airton who I find to be whiny and reactionary in her comments. This has little to do with her political leanings as I don’t hold the same political views as Rafe Mair but I find his comments, even when I disagree with them, to be thought out and well-argued.

This morning my discomfort all made sense when I woke up to hear the morning show which was all about Metro Vancouver’s Gang Wars. I found the commentary, interviews and questions asked of the interviewees to be one-sided and inflammatory. I also never thought that a Province headline would be used as supportive material for CBC programming. I waited patiently for the ‘other side’, the discussion about how crime rates in Metro Vancouver have declined, a discussion as to who joins gangs and why, a discussion of the history of gangs in Vancouver, anything that would stem the tide of ‘are you scared to go outside because you might be shot.’ As a side note – I am not afraid to go outside, I don’t feel anymore threatened than I ever did and when the ‘Balcony Rapist’ moved to New Westminster, I didn’t lock myself into the apartment.

I think that where my dissatisfaction with the morning show, comes not from my disagreeing with what is being said (I revel in yelling at the radio) but in the direction that it is taking. Everything that has been touched in the last month has turned into ‘AN ISSUE’ that we should be scared about. I think that today it was made worse by the fact that all that was on the local news was discussion about the various shootings. Apparently nothing else is going on in our city that is considered newsworthy.

All of this is happening at a time that our Federal Government is wanting to pass a crime bill and are quietly preparing the way for capital punishment. Harper may say that he is not planning on opening the debate on capital punishment but then gave this ,”The reality in this particular case is, were we to intervene, it would quickly become a question of whether we were willing to repatriate a double murderer to Canada,” Harper told reporters. “In light of this government’s strong initiatives on tackling violent crime I think that would send the wrong signal to the Canadian public.”, as his reasoning as to not bring Ronald Allen Smith back to Canada to serve a prison term instead of being executed. At the same time, Canada is also not standing in the forefront of the UN call to end capital punishment.

I expect a lot from CBC, more than what I do from The Province or The Sun and definitely more than all of the other news casts on T.V.. However, the morning show today made me want to tune into CNN.  I’m not saying that there isn’t something going on obviously there is.  I just don’t thinking that instilling fear is the best way to go about dealing with the issue.  I turned off the radio this morning when I listened to someone phone in and talk about how we should “just send those  people(Asians) back to their home.”  Pretty presumptive to assume that ‘those’ people are landed immigrants and not people whose families have lived here for generations.  What about the Hell’s Angels bigoted caller?  Last time I checked, they were all Caucasian.

I will continue to listen to CBC because there isn’t really another alternative.  In the meantime I’ll continue to listen to exemplary programming such as learning about the latest dog parks  and cross  my fingers that someone takes over the programming for the Early Edition sooner than later.

Ripping Off the Scab

While I was looking for something else today, I came across my notebook that I had used while working on my Masters. As I leafed through it, I began to cry. That tiny nondescript notebook was a reminder of what I hadn’t completed. While I did walk across the stage to accept my degree, it wasn’t the degree that I had imagined I would accept. I also cried because of the pain that I read behind the words. Not the girls’ pain but my pain, the ache that I had carried with me, held close to me. The anger that made my bones brittle.

“I am having difficulties writing about body and space. I feel like throwing the whole thigs away, walking away from it. Bury my head, my body and disappear.

I feel like I am being held together by tiny webs – I expect to see hairline cracks all over my body, like clay when it has no more water left. One quick step and I’ll fall into a heap of dust. Pieces too small to be put back together. Broken beyond repair. The heat of my anger evaporating my remains. I want to cut into my shin – peel back the top layers – expose the blood, membranes and bones beneath. Feel the rush of pain – the pieces of flesh underneath my nails. The cakiness of blood on my shin, the fresh running blood underneath. I want to tear it open again and again. I want to scream. I want to hit. I want to break down the walls. I can see myself through them – throwing myself against the walls. I can feel the screams, see my mouth open but I can’t hear them. I watch as my body, my hands slide down the wall over and over again. I watch and then I think ‘good girls don’t yell.’”

I read this and realise just how much it hurt to force myself to be continually thinking about girls, body, space, place and identity. How often when I read the literature and the studies I would feel sick. Looking back now, I should have changed my focus. My gaze should have shifted to me rather than an external analysis. At the time, that felt too self-centered, too egotistical.

Ultimately, I did write about myself and my experience researching and writing:

I was eleven when I was sexually abused by my softball coach. For the next two decades my body remembered what my mind chose to forget. I still can not remember fully what happened. All I have is the image of the sun shining through the leaves hanging above the van, the taste of bile in the back of my throat, and the world becoming still. I remember when the other girls mentioned that the police had come to their house but I don’t remember talking to them. I don’t know at what moment I remembered, I can’t place the trigger. It’s as though I woke up one morning and it was just there. I would look at pictures from my childhood and search my younger self’s face to see if I could witness the change. It became painful to read or hear the stories of adolescent girls. How could I listen to other’s stories when I was having difficulties listening to my own? Each time I sat down to write, read, or listen, my stomach would clench, I’d feel the tears well up and I would turn away.

This is a story about my journey.
(“Pandora’s Box” 2006)

I haven’t opened the document since I sent it off. There are only two people who have read it – my advisor and my second. I don’t think that I did myself justice or the topic justice. It might be one of those things that I have to go back to and do it right.

Next Tuesday, I have a meeting with my advisor. I don’t think that I am finished this journey.

E-mail to Transit – Updated

To Whom It May Concern,

It came to my attention last week that there will be no elevator service at the New Westminster Skytrain. As a result I went to Columbia station where it turns out the elevator to get to the platform is not working. This was after I had to wrestle with the door to get into the station as there is no button to open the door. Fortunately, I need the elevators not because I am in a wheelchair but because I have a stroller. There have been no postings on the elevator about the Columbia elevator and none about New Westminster until last week when it was on the radio.

It was while I was lugging my stroller down the stairs that I realised Sapperton’s elevators are also out of service. This means that every skytrain station in New Westminster except for 22^nd street is no longer wheelchair accessible. Did you not think that this would be problematic? I can at least pick up my stroller and my daughter (grocery shopping is obviously no longer going to be possible) but people in wheelchairs do not have this luxury, they are in wheelchairs because they can’t walk down stairs.

I realise that luxury condos are obviously more important than the transit users, so I am assuming that there won’t be a stop work order on Plaza 88 or the condos at Sapperton. A simple solution would be to build a ramp in the Columbia station so that no elevator is needed and install a door to make the building wheelchair accessible.

Thank-you for your time,

Me

Update:  Translink did get back to me and explained that they are not the owners of the building at Columbia Skytrain Station though they have been negotiating with them to get the elevator fixed.  Apparently the Eastbound elevator is still accessible at New Westminster Station and then you have to cross at the concourse level.  Sapperton is just out of luck until the building is finished.  I am assuming that the new plan does include wheelchair accessibility, especially as it is the station right beside the hospital.  Translink responded in less than 24 hours; New Westminster who approved all of the building has still not responded.